this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Randomize
