He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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