TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
