while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
