You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
