i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
