OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
