sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
