Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Who died my cat blue again?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
