...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
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