what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
