when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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