I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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