i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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