You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
