I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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