At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
