No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
