I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
