someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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