Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
