Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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