My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
