I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
The dick lei will go down in squad history
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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