Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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