I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
