1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
