I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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