To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
