On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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