Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
