i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
