So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
