fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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