you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
