first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
