The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
