i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
