The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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