clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
