I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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