He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I will be naked everywhere
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
