i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
