Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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