I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
