LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
