I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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