hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
