Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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