And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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