I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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